ISS Crew Told: Please Don’t Drill the Space Station

ISS Crew Told: Please Don’t Drill the Space Station

Low Earth Orbit — Tensions aboard the International Space Station reportedly reached “please put the drill down” levels this week after Russian cosmonauts allegedly considered an ambitious new approach to fixing a leak: making another hole.

NASA, traditionally known for its cautious engineering culture and strong anti-vacuum stance, is said to have responded with a technical recommendation known in aerospace circles as: “Absolutely not.”

The disagreement reportedly began after leaks were detected in the Russian section of the ISS, prompting engineers on Earth to debate the safest way to inspect and repair the affected area. While officials say the crew is safe and pressure remains stable, sources close to the matter say NASA became “mildly uncomfortable” when the words “drill,” “hull,” and “space station” appeared in the same sentence.

NASA Introduces Revolutionary Space Policy: Keep Air Inside

According to imaginary internal NASA minutes leaked exclusively to MaybeBS News, the agency has now issued a new emergency checklist for all astronauts:

1. Locate leak.
2. Do not create bonus leak.
3. Confirm step two was understood.
4. Hide all power tools until morale improves.

A NASA spokesperson, who may or may not exist, reportedly said: “We respect our Russian partners and their long history of space engineering. However, our current position is that the best number of holes in a pressurised spacecraft is still zero.”

This position has been praised by several experts, including one fictional engineer who explained: “Space is basically outside trying to get inside. The hull is the part that tells it no.”

Russian Side Reportedly Calls It “Ventilation With Confidence”

Roscosmos has not publicly confirmed any plan to start decorating the station with drill holes, though Russian engineers have reportedly been studying several repair options.

A totally made-up cosmonaut named Yuri Spannerov defended the practical approach, saying: “In Russia, if there is mystery behind wall, sometimes wall must explain itself.”

NASA officials were allegedly less enthusiastic, especially after someone pointed out that the ISS is not a garden shed, a Lada, or a stubborn kitchen cabinet.

International Cooperation Enters “Who Took the Drill?” Phase

The ISS has long been hailed as a symbol of global cooperation, proving that nations can work together peacefully in space, provided nobody starts improvising near the pressure shell.

One astronaut reportedly attempted to calm the situation by suggesting everyone take a break, drink rehydrated coffee, and remember they are floating in a $150 billion machine held together by science, diplomacy, and increasingly nervous emails.

Meanwhile, Mission Control has reportedly updated the station’s tool inventory system. The drill is now listed as:

Location: Unknown
Status: Emotionally unavailable
Permission required: Everyone on Earth

Experts Say Leak Repair Is Serious, But Also Very Obviously Not a DIY Job

Real-life ISS leaks are not new, and agencies regularly monitor pressure changes, seal small leaks, and inspect ageing station modules. But the idea of drilling into a spacecraft hull understandably triggers a reaction somewhere between “engineering concern” and “parent watching toddler with scissors.”

A fictional aerospace consultant told MaybeBS: “On Earth, if you drill through the wrong wall, you hit a pipe. In space, the pipe is reality.”

The MaybeBS Verdict

NASA and Roscosmos may disagree over repair tactics, but one thing unites humanity: nobody wants to hear the phrase “accidental space whistle” while orbiting Earth at 17,500 mph.

For now, the astronauts remain safe, the ISS remains in orbit, and the drill has reportedly been placed in a locked drawer labelled:

“For use only when everyone has calmed down.