“From launching rockets to launching surprise paternity cases, Musk keeps busy.”
In the latest episode of Musk’s Unintentional Reality Show, the world’s richest man has found himself embroiled in a custody battle over an alleged 13th child—because when you have multiple companies to run and dreams of colonizing Mars, why not also casually populate half the planet?
The Mystery Baby Mama – A MAGA Influencer Steps Forward
The latest chapter in Musk’s ongoing personal saga of surprise children comes courtesy of a prominent MAGA influencer, who claims that the billionaire has fathered their five-month-old child but has only met the baby three times.
According to sources, Musk was shocked to learn that he had yet another child, leading many to speculate that he now needs a spreadsheet to keep track of them all.
(Some sources suggest that Tesla engineers are already working on an AI-powered Musk Family Tracker to ensure none of his offspring are forgotten.)
Musk’s Response – “If I Haven’t Tweeted About It, Does It Exist?”
Naturally, Musk’s response to the allegations has been as vague as his Tesla delivery timelines.
“I can’t comment on private matters,” he reportedly told journalists, before immediately commenting on the private matter by tweeting:
“The birth rate is collapsing. Civilization needs more kids. I’m doing my part.”
This cryptic statement failed to clarify whether he acknowledged the baby in question or was simply using the moment as another excuse to promote his personal campaign for human repopulation.
Custody Battles, Billionaire Edition
Legal experts say that a custody battle involving the world’s richest man presents some unique challenges:
- Standard child support calculations do not apply when the father’s net worth fluctuates by billions depending on the stock market.
- Visitation schedules could be complicated by Musk’s tendency to randomly relocate to different states, factories, or Mars.
- Communicating with him may require unconventional methods, as he occasionally changes his phone number and prefers to settle disputes via Twitter polls.
The Expanding Musk Dynasty – How Many Are There Now?
Musk is already known to have at least 12 children with multiple women, including executives at his own companies. However, the total number of Musk children remains a mystery, with rumors that the billionaire is on a quiet mission to single-handedly repopulate the Earth before escaping to space.
(At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before one of his kids finds out they have a long-lost sibling via a SpaceX DNA test kit.)
What’s Next? More Kids? A Reality Show?
As the custody battle unfolds, the world watches with equal parts fascination and exhaustion, wondering if Musk will:
- Launch a Twitter poll to decide parental rights.
- Offer to send his alleged child to Mars as a first-generation Martian colonist.
- Propose that custody be determined through an AI-driven algorithm called “MuskGPT.”
One thing is certain: If Musk keeps expanding his empire of children at this rate, we might need an entirely new branch of genealogy just to keep up.