Butter Enthusiasts Shocked: Cabot Creamery Adds “Extra Creamy” Feature Nobody Asked For

By Marjorie Butterworth, Chief Dairy Correspondent

“Extra Creamy” Feature Nobody Asked For

MONTPELIER, VT – In a bold move that has churned up controversy across seven states, Cabot Creamery has introduced an unexpected new feature to their premium butter line that consumers definitely didn’t request: fecal bacteria.

The Vermont-based dairy company announced a voluntary recall of their “Extra Creamy Premium Sea Salted Butter” yesterday after discovering what company officials are calling “an artisanal addition of coliform bacteria” in select batches. The FDA has classified this as a Class III recall, which in layman’s terms means “it’s gross but probably won’t kill you.”

“We’ve always prided ourselves on going above and beyond for our customers,” said fictional Cabot spokesperson Churn McButterton. “When other companies just give you regular butter, we wanted to offer something truly extra. And what’s more extra than introducing intestinal bacteria to your morning toast?”

The affected butter—approximately 1,701 pounds or roughly the weight of one dairy cow—was distributed across seven states: Arkansas, Connecticut, Maine, New Hampshire, New York, Pennsylvania, and Vermont. Residents of unaffected states have reportedly expressed disappointment at being excluded from what some are calling “the most exciting thing to happen to butter since sliced bread.”

Food safety expert Dr. Ima Concerned explained the situation in scientific terms: “Coliform bacteria are found in animal intestines, which, if you think about it, makes perfect sense for a dairy product. The cows were simply cutting out the middleman and delivering a farm-to-table experience directly to your refrigerator.”

The contaminated butter can be identified by its September 9, 2025 best-by date, which experts note is impressively optimistic for a product containing fecal matter. “Most things with poop in them don’t last that long,” noted one consumer advocate who wished to remain anonymous.

Cabot’s marketing department has reportedly been working overtime to spin the recall into a positive. Internal documents leaked to this reporter reveal several rejected slogans including “Our Butter Is The Shit,” “Now With Extra Cultures,” and “Spread It, Don’t Flush It.”

Local butter enthusiast Timothy Toastworthy of Burlington, Vermont discovered he had purchased the recalled product but wasn’t particularly concerned. “I’ve been eating at my college dining hall for four years. Trust me, this isn’t the worst thing I’ve consumed.”

The recall comes at an unfortunate time for the dairy industry, which has been trying to compete with the growing popularity of plant-based alternatives. “Sure, oat milk doesn’t have fecal bacteria,” admitted one industry insider, “but does it have the rich, creamy mouthfeel that only comes from real dairy? Also, have you checked what’s in fertilizer? Just saying.”

Cabot Creamery has assured customers that they can return affected products for a full refund, though they recommend double-bagging the butter before bringing it back to stores. “We’re also offering complimentary hand sanitizer with every refund,” added the fictional spokesperson. “It’s the least we could do, literally.”

The FDA has reminded consumers that while most coliform bacteria are harmless, theBy Marjorie Butterworth, Chief Dairy Correspondent

ir presence indicates that other, more dangerous pathogens might be lurking in your butter dish. “But hey, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” said no one at the FDA ever.

At press time, competing butter brands were scrambling to emphasize their fecal-free status in new advertising campaigns, with Land O’Lakes reportedly fast-tracking a new slogan: “Our Butter: No Shit.”

Disclaimer: This is satirical news content. The quotes and individuals named McButterton and Toastworthy are fictional. The butter recall is real, but the reactions and statements are satirized for comedic effect.