JD Vance’s Arctic Recon Ruined by Rogue Portaloo and Hotel Fail

A cold reception: the only available toilet in Greenland.

Greenland Welcomes Vance with Wind, Ice, and a Toilet from Hell

Senator JD Vance (R-OH) embarked on a “fact-finding” mission to Greenland this week—reportedly to scope out potential Arctic real estate and examine NATO’s snack budgets. But plans quickly unraveled when his private jet touched down fashionably late, missing the last snowcat shuttle by 12 minutes and triggering what sources are now calling “Operation Polar Misery.”

Instead of a warm lodge and a reindeer jerky welcome platter, Vance was handed a windbreaker, a flashlight, and a plastic key to Greenland’s only public portaloo, precariously positioned on an icy slope and reportedly “haunted by past visitors’ regrets.”

No Room at the Igloo Inn

Worse still, his team had neglected to confirm their “accommodation,” assuming that under-occupancy in remote Arctic towns meant walk-in availability. Locals, however, explained the village’s “under-occupancy” was due to no actual buildings being open during blizzard season.

Attempts to check into the “Frozen Fjord Guesthouse” were met with confusion, as the property is technically “a ruin,” now inhabited by a very territorial walrus named Magnus.

Portaloo Politics: A Test of Character and Balance

Witnesses say Vance, dressed in an Ohio State hoodie and visibly struggling with sub-zero zipper mechanics, made three separate trips to the swaying blue cube before surrendering to nature and borrowing a UN thermal tent.

“This mission was meant to be a show of strength,” said one aide, “but ended up more like Survivor: GOP Edition.”

Locals Remain Unfazed by Political Tourism

Greenland locals reportedly shrugged at the Senator’s plight. One fisherman noted, “He wanted to see the real Arctic. Well, this is it. Wind, snow, and a bathroom that gives you trauma.”

Another commented, “At least he didn’t try to buy us. That was the last guy.”

Lessons Learned — Always Book the Igloo in Advance

“Confirm lodging before landing”
“Avoid ghost hostels with walrus squatters”
“Always pack thermal wipes”