Local Man Declares Himself a Professional Athlete After Completing One 5K Fun Run

“Already considering retirement due to ‘wear and tear’ on his knees.”

In a stunning turn of events, local office worker Gary Thompson, 38, has officially declared himself a professional athlete after completing a 5K fun run last weekend. Thompson, who had never previously exercised beyond walking to the fridge during commercial breaks, now insists on being referred to as an endurance runner and has begun offering unsolicited fitness advice to friends and family.

“It was grueling,” said Thompson, who took three walking breaks and finished 217th in his age group. “But you don’t get into running for the glory. You do it for the challenge, the discipline, and, of course, the Instagram likes.”

The Training Regimen: One YouTube Video and a New Pair of Shoes

Despite only signing up for the race two weeks ago after a coworker mentioned it, Thompson claims he trained intensely, which reportedly consisted of:

• Watching one inspirational running documentary on Netflix.
• Buying an expensive pair of running shoes, which he says “basically do the work for you.”
• Jogging around the block once, then deciding to rest for the remainder of the week to avoid “overtraining.”

“A lot of people don’t understand the science behind running,” Thompson explained while stretching dramatically in the middle of a coffee shop. “It’s not just about moving your legs—it’s about pacing, strategy, and understanding when to stop for a selfie.”

Immediate Lifestyle Change: Now a “Serious Athlete”

Following the race, Thompson’s entire personality has shifted. He now:
✅ Wears his race medal everywhere, including to work and social events.
✅ Starts every conversation with, “As a runner…”
✅ Sips electrolyte drinks despite sitting in an office all day.
✅ Refers to people who don’t run as ‘non-athletes.’

His coworkers, once supportive, are now avoiding him in the break room, fearing yet another long-winded speech about the importance of ‘proper carb-loading’ before a short jog.

Future Plans: The Olympics? Or Retirement?

Though his first race is still fresh in his mind, Thompson is already looking ahead. He has begun casually mentioning the Olympics, noting that “it’s really just about mindset.” However, he is also considering retirement due to “wear and tear on his knees.”

“Running is hard on the body,” Thompson explained while sitting on a foam roller he doesn’t know how to use. “At a certain point, you have to ask yourself—do I keep pushing, or do I go out on top?”

As of press time, Thompson has registered for a half-marathon in six months, though sources report he has not run since the 5K and is waiting for ‘the right motivation’ to start training.