Scientists Discover Mushroom Gummy Enthusiasts Developing Ability to Communicate with Lawn Fungi
PORTLAND, OR – A groundbreaking study from the Center for Nutritional Absurdity has found that consumers of the trending mushroom gummies are developing an unexpected side effect: the ability to communicate telepathically with common yard mushrooms.
The study tracked 143 participants who regularly consumed the popular supplements containing reishi, lion’s mane, and cordyceps. After just three weeks, 87% reported having “meaningful exchanges” with fungi growing in their gardens, parks, and even between sidewalk cracks.
“At first I thought I was just really into my new gardening hobby,” said participant Devon Morris. “Then I realized the small cluster of shiitake in my yard was giving me excellent financial advice. I’ve already restructured my 401(k) based on fungal wisdom.”
Dr. Pamela Spore, lead researcher, explained the phenomenon: “The mycological compounds appear to activate dormant neural pathways that recognize the chemical language of fungal networks. It’s like suddenly understanding Portuguese without ever studying it, except it’s mushroom-speak.”
Local parks have reported increased visitation from people sitting quietly near decomposing logs for hours. When approached, many claim to be “in important meetings with the mycelium board of directors.”
“They’ve been here for millions of years; they’ve seen things,” explained mushroom gummy user Tara Fieldstone while gesturing to a clump of ordinary-looking brown mushrooms. “This colony just explained quantum physics in a way that finally makes sense. Also, they think human fashion is hilarious.”
Mushroom gummy sales have skyrocketed since the study leaked, with manufacturers struggling to meet demand. Several tech companies have begun recruiting heavy users as “fungal interpreters” with six-figure salaries.
When asked for comment, a representative cluster of yard mushrooms stated only “humans are catching up finally” before returning to the important work of decomposing a fallen branch.
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