Man Completes New Year’s Resolution to “Go to the Gym” by Walking In, Looking Around, and Leaving
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step—so technically, he’s done.”
Local man Derek Thompson, 37, proudly announced on social media today that he has officially completed his 2025 New Year’s resolution to “go to the gym” after stepping inside his local fitness center, nodding at the receptionist, and immediately walking back out.
“Honestly, the hardest part was finding the parking spot,” Thompson admitted, wiping imaginary sweat from his brow. “But once I got inside and saw all those people lifting heavy objects for no reason, I realized… maybe I’m already fit enough.”
The Gym Experience
Eyewitnesses confirm that Thompson entered the gym lobby, took a deep breath, and scanned the room as if preparing for battle. After approximately 12 seconds of silent observation, he was seen muttering something about ‘not having the right shoes’ before making a graceful exit toward his car.
“I mean, I could have worked out,” Thompson explained defensively. “But I figured I should ease into it. No need to rush into bad decisions.”
Sources say Thompson paused by the smoothie bar for a moment, briefly considering a post-workout shake before remembering he hadn’t actually worked out.
Victory Celebration at Burger Joint
To commemorate his achievement, Thompson treated himself to a double bacon cheeseburger with extra fries at a nearby fast-food restaurant, reasoning that “cheat days are important.”
“You gotta reward progress,” he said between bites. “Fitness is all about balance.”
When asked how he plans to proceed with his newfound health journey, Thompson confidently stated, “I’ll start for real next year.”
Commitment to the Gym Life (Sort Of)
Despite his zero minutes of actual exercise, Thompson continues to wear his gym membership key tag on his car keys, occasionally tapping it on restaurant counters to subtly remind people that he is technically a gym member.
“I’ll probably go again,” he said, adjusting his sweatpants. “Maybe in February. Or March. Definitely by summer. Or, you know, next year for sure.”
Meanwhile, gym staff remain optimistic that Thompson’s story will inspire others to start their fitness journey—no matter how short it may be.
Follow-Up Reports
In related news, a local woman has successfully meal-prepped for the week by buying kale, placing it in her fridge, and letting it sit untouched until it withers away
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