No Kings Day’: Protesters Denounce Trump and Musk, Rejecting Billionaire Rulers on Presidents’ Day

Protesters Denounce Trump and Musk, Rejecting Billionaire Rulers on Presidents Day/No Kings Day!

“We fought a revolution to avoid this exact situation—so why does it feel like we live in a monarchy with Wi-Fi?”

Across the United States, thousands of protesters took to the streets on Presidents’ Day, rebranding the holiday as “No Kings Day” in response to what they see as a growing billionaire-led monarchy, with Donald Trump and Elon Musk as the self-appointed rulers of America’s past and future.

What Are They Protesting? Everything.

From the moment the gold-plated sun rose over Mar-a-Lago, angry demonstrators began gathering in major cities, carrying handmade signs featuring increasingly dramatic slogans, including:

• “We Didn’t Dump Tea in the Harbor for This!”
• “If We Wanted a King, We’d Have Just Kept the British One!”
• “Musk & Trump: Buy One, Get One Free (On Twitter Only)”
• “Monopolies, Media, and Mayhem—2024 Edition”

Their demands were as varied as the billionaires they opposed. Some were furious about Trump’s endless attempts to return to office, while others were concerned about Musk’s increasing control over technology, media, and space. A smaller, niche group appeared to be protesting Musk’s decision to rebrand Twitter as ‘X,’ with one particularly passionate activist holding a sign that simply read:

“BRING BACK THE BIRD, ELON!”

Trump Declares Himself “Most Presidential of All Presidents”

Despite being the subject of the protests, Donald Trump wasted no time responding, issuing an official statement on Truth Social:

“These people don’t even know what they’re protesting. SAD! The FAKE NEWS wants you to believe I want to be a king, but the TRUTH is, if I were a king, I’d be the BEST king, okay? The GREATEST! But I’m not, so they should stop whining and ENJOY PRESIDENTS’ DAY, WHICH IS REALLY ABOUT ME, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT!”

Later, he was seen admiring himself in a mirror while humming “Hail to the Chief.”

Musk Responds by Suggesting “Presidential Subscription Service”

Elon Musk, not one to be left out of a controversy, responded to the protests with a series of cryptic tweets, suggesting that democracy could be improved through a “Presidential Subscription Model.”

“Maybe presidents should be voted in via monthly subscription, like Netflix. $8 per month for premium governance. Otherwise, you just get the ads.”

Shortly after posting, Musk changed his Twitter bio to “Supreme Techno-King of Mars” and announced that all protests against him would now be paywalled.

Historians Left in a State of Exhaustion

Political historians, many of whom had already given up trying to explain modern politics, were seen rubbing their temples and sighing deeply into their coffee cups.

“America fought a war to rid itself of a king, and now we have billionaires LARPing as emperors,” said Dr. Lisa Cartwright, an expert in democratic backsliding. “We really should have put a clause in the Constitution about people with massive Twitter followings not being allowed to run things.”

She then excused herself to apply for a research grant in Canada.

Protesters Clash Over Which Billionaire is Worse

Despite their unified anti-monarchy message, protesters quickly turned on each other over which billionaire posed the greater threat.

• “Trump is the problem—he literally thinks he’s owed the presidency!” screamed one protester.
• “Musk is worse—he’s turning Earth into a pay-to-play space colony!” countered another.
• A lone Jeff Bezos protester was spotted in the corner, trying desperately to get people interested in Amazon-related grievances, but was largely ignored.

By the end of the day, the movement splintered into smaller factions, including:

• The Anti-Tech-Oligarchy Collective (formerly Apple users, now exclusively using flip phones).
• The Stop Trump Forever Club, whose main demand is “Can he just retire to Florida like a normal 78-year-old?”
• The Elon Was Cool Before 2019 Society, made up of disillusioned Tesla owners.

Will ‘No Kings Day’ Become an Annual Event?

As night fell and the protests devolved into heated debates over whether Zuckerberg is secretly an alien, many began questioning whether this was the start of a new annual tradition.

Some activists vowed to return next year, stronger than ever, while others realized that they still had Amazon Prime and a Twitter account, meaning they were indirectly funding the very people they were protesting against.

In the end, America remains a democracy—but only because no one has figured out how to turn the White House into a Tesla showroom yet.