People’s Front of Judea Declares War on Judean People’s Front.
People’s Front of Judea Declares War on Judean People’s Front,Forgets Why They Were Fighting in the First Place
“Roman occupation now a secondary concern as factional infighting reaches historic levels.”
JERUSALEM – Political tensions in the ancient city reached boiling point this week as the People’s Front of Judea (PFJ) declared an all-out ideological and physical war against their long-time rivals, the Judean People’s Front (JPF). Meanwhile, the Judean Popular People’s Front (JPPF) has denounced both groups as “traitors,” while the Popular Front of Judea (PFJ-Classic Edition) continues to consist of just one guy, still shouting angrily at a wall.
“They Are the Real Enemy!”
“What people don’t understand,” said Reginald, Supreme Leader of the People’s Front of Judea, “is that the Judean People’s Front are the true oppressors. Not the Romans, not the corrupt local rulers, but those bastards who refuse to recognize our completely distinct and unique ideological differences, which, for the record, have nothing in common with theirs.”
The Judean People’s Front responded swiftly with their own official statement:
“We reject the outrageous accusations made by the PFJ. Any resemblance between our policies and theirs is purely coincidental and legally disputable. Furthermore, we wish to clarify that the real problem is, in fact, the Judean Popular People’s Front, who have always been nothing more than a bunch of treacherous splitters.”
The Judean Popular People’s Front Responds
After spending four days writing their official response in a carefully worded, highly aggressive tablet engraving, the Judean Popular People’s Front held an emergency meeting to discuss their next move.
“Our official stance remains unchanged,” declared spokesman Samuel bar-Abraham bar-Jacob bar-Steve, wearing an elaborate badge reading ‘Not to Be Confused with the People’s Front of Judea, We Are the Real One.’
“We denounce the PFJ and the JPF as imperialist sympathizers, weak-willed compromisers, and people who use the wrong kind of parchment for their manifestos. Furthermore, we demand that all Judean factions unite under our leadership—though, naturally, not under any of their terms.”
Roman Officials Left Confused, But Largely Unbothered
The Roman governor, Pontius Politicus, was reportedly perplexed by the ongoing feuds but ultimately relieved.
“Frankly, this is working out great for us,” said Gaius Maximus, a Roman bureaucrat overseeing the occupation. “They spend so much time arguing amongst themselves that they haven’t actually revolted in years. At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if they start drafting official complaints about how oppressive each other’s slogans are.”
Maximus added that recent reports suggest a breakaway faction, known only as the Judean Brotherhood for Front-Based People, was forming, though its official goal remained unclear.
Peace Talks Immediately Descend Into Violence
Attempts at reconciliation were made this week when all the groups agreed to meet in a secret location to discuss a possible truce against the Romans. However, tensions immediately flared when no one could agree on what the meeting should be called.
- The People’s Front of Judea insisted it should be called the United Revolutionary Judean Council.
- The Judean People’s Front preferred the term Committee for Judean Liberation.
- The Judean Popular People’s Front rejected both and stormed out in protest before the meeting even began.
By the end of the meeting, three new factions had formed, including the Judean Revolutionary People’s Front (JPRF), the New Judean People’s Front (N-JPF), and the rather extreme Judean Front of People Who Really Hate the Other Factions (JFPWRHTOF).
Future Outlook: More Infighting, Occasional Yelling at Romans
Political analysts predict that the current crisis will likely continue for at least another 2,000 years, with factional infighting increasing in intensity while their original goal of overthrowing the Romans remains purely theoretical.
In a last-ditch attempt at unity, a proposed motion to change all group names to “The One True Front of Judea” was met with violent objections from everyone present.
Meanwhile, the Romans continue to collect taxes, maintain roads, and chuckle quietly to themselves.