Russell Brand “Uncovers” JFK’s Assassin

Russell Brand “Uncovers” JFK’s Assassin It Was Mr. Bean All Along

“This changes everything!” declares man who once tried to spiritually channel Che Guevara using almond milk.

In a bold new theory that historians politely called “gobsmackingly daft,” Russell Brand has taken a break from his YouTube yoga bunker to announce that Mr. Bean – yes, the silent British sitcom character – was the real assassin of President John F. Kennedy.

Brand posted the revelation alongside a suspiciously blurry PDF titled “TOP REAL FILE NO LIE,” allegedly obtained from a bloke named Terry behind a Nando’s in Slough.

“You won’t hear this from mainstream media,” Brand whispered urgently, before proceeding to do three minutes of interpretive tai chi.

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The File No One Asked For

The 9-page “classified document” appears to be cobbled together using Comic Sans, glue stick, and a Windows 95 ClipArt CD. Among its stunning claims:

• Mr. Bean was a trained MI6 agent with a license to mime
• JFK was “allergic to invisible sandwiches”
• Rowan Atkinson faked his entire acting career as “deep cover”

Brand, wearing a tinfoil beanie (for “protection”), read aloud from the document while slowly spinning on an office chair. He called the revelation “the spiritual unraveling of the global jellybean-industrial complex.”

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Internet Reacts With Collective Head Tilt

Twitter users responded as one would expect:

• “Bro thinks he’s on Q, but he’s just on QVC.”
• “Russell Brand just accused Mr. Bean of murder. I need a holiday.”
• “I regret defending him when he made Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

Rowan Atkinson’s reps declined to comment, though one insider allegedly muttered, “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

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Coming Next Week—Teletubbies and the Moon Landing Hoax?

Brand teased upcoming “explosive exposés” that include:

• Tinky Winky spotted in Zapruder film frame 274
• The Queen Mother was actually two raccoons in a corgi suit
• Prince Harry is secretly Banksy (and so is Meghan)

In the meantime, Brand has urged fans to “stay woke, stay awkward, and never trust a man who can’t talk but owns a Mini.”