Trump Demands Supreme Court Approve Firing of Whistleblower Agency Head, Calls It ‘Totally Unnecessary Office’
“If nobody’s blowing whistles, do we even need referees?”
In yet another bold move against oversight and accountability, former President Donald Trump has demanded that the Supreme Court allow the immediate firing of the head of the U.S. whistleblower protection agency, insisting that “whistleblowers are just people who don’t know how to keep a secret.”
“Look, folks, let’s be honest—this agency is totally unnecessary, OK?” Trump said during a rally. “Back in my day, when someone saw something, they shut up about it. We didn’t need an office full of nerds with clipboards protecting people for ‘doing the right thing.’ Very overrated concept. Very unpatriotic.”
A War on Whistleblowing—And The People Who Encourage It
The move to fire the head of the Office of Special Counsel (OSC)—which is responsible for protecting federal whistleblowers—comes as Trump continues his long-standing war against anyone who reports things he doesn’t want reported.
“Whistleblowing? Sounds like snitching to me,” Trump said. “Back in New York, we had a rule—snitches get, well, they don’t do so well, OK?”
Trump’s legal team has argued that the firing should proceed immediately, claiming that “protecting whistleblowers creates a culture of disloyalty” and “encourages people to look into things that aren’t their business.”
“You know what this country needs? More loyalty, not more people running to the feds just because they ‘saw something wrong,’” Trump said. “We had the best loyalty in my administration. Tremendous loyalty. Until people started talking.”
Supreme Court Justices Left Baffled, But Listening
The Supreme Court, which now features three Trump-appointed justices, has agreed to hear arguments on whether the President—or former President—has the authority to remove the head of an agency designed to prevent government corruption.
During initial discussions, Justice Clarence Thomas reportedly asked, “Wait, what does this agency do again?”, while Justice Brett Kavanaugh flipped through the Constitution looking for any mention of “whistleblowing” and instead found himself distracted by beer-related amendments.
Meanwhile, Justice Samuel Alito seemed intrigued by the idea of limiting whistleblower protections, reportedly mumbling, “Finally, someone is saying it out loud.”
Critics Warn: “This Is Literally the Opposite of Democracy”
Legal experts, ethics watchdogs, and pretty much anyone who has seen a political thriller before have expressed deep concern over Trump’s push to weaken whistleblower protections.
“Whistleblowers are essential for preventing corruption, abuse, and illegal activity in government,” said Dr. Laura McMillan, a government ethics professor. “The moment we start punishing those who expose wrongdoing, we set the stage for unchecked power, dictatorship, and, worst of all, more press conferences from Trump.”
Trump’s Alternative Solution: “Just Ignore Whistleblowers”
In response to the backlash, Trump has suggested an alternative solution: Rather than firing the agency head, the government should simply ‘pretend whistleblowers don’t exist.’
“It’s like I always say—if you ignore the problem, the problem goes away,” Trump explained. “If a whistleblower talks and nobody listens, did they really say anything? Think about it.”
Will the Supreme Court Approve the Firing?
As the case heads to the Supreme Court, insiders say the outcome is uncertain, though Trump has already begun celebrating, tweeting:
“Whistleblowers are FAKE NEWS! We’re gonna win bigly! You’ll see!!!”
Meanwhile, career government employees are reportedly watching in horror, quietly reminding themselves that whistleblower protections still exist—for now.