Accidentally Add Journalist—Should’ve Just Made a Facebook Event
OPSEC Is Fine,” Said the Man in the Leaky Boat
In an era where WhatsApp group names like “Family BBQ” and “Mum’s Hip Surgery” hold national secrets, Trump-era officials decided to up the ante by using Signal to plan a war—and then accidentally added a journalist to the chat. The journalist? The editor-in-chief of The Atlantic.
Because when you’re plotting military operations, nothing screams secure like letting a man who writes think-pieces about democracy eavesdrop.
Meet the New War Cabinet—Now With Typing Indicators
The elite squad of tactical texters included:
- Secretary of State Marco “Forwarded This Message” Rubio
- Defense Secretary Pete “100% Read Receipt” Hegseth
- Vice President JD “Can’t Find the Mute Button” Vance
- National Security Advisor Mike “Oops, Wrong Mike” Waltz
The group chat reportedly featured:
- Several animated Trump GIFs
- A poll titled “What day works best to invade stuff?”
- At least one message reading “DELETE AFTER READING”
- Mike Waltz welcoming “@JeffreyGoldberg” with the words “Glad you could join us, bro”
Clinton’s Ghost of Emails Past Returns with a Cackle
Somehow, amid all this, Hillary Clinton—fresh off a relaxing decade of not being president—began trending on X again.
The irony? The very people who shouted “lock her up!” over her use of a private server were now passing classified battle plans like fantasy football picks in a beer league WhatsApp group.
“At least my server didn’t have a thumbs-up react button,” Clinton probably muttered while sipping Chardonnay on a beach.
National Security Protocols, But Make It Vibes
Rather than using secure SCIF rooms built to withstand espionage, the crew opted for Signal—an app known for encryption, emojis, and accidentally creating the most exclusive war-themed group chat leak in U.S. history.
Defense Secretary Hegseth assured everyone:
“We are currently clean on OPSEC.”
– While a journalist was actively reading the chat
Alternative Apps Considered But Ultimately Rejected
- Facebook Messenger: Rejected due to Zuckerberg probably already being in the chat
- Telegram: Too Russian
- Slack: Too many gifs of tanks dancing
- Carrier pigeon: “Not secure unless it’s wearing tiny shades”
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