Trump Wants to Buy Greenland, Shocked to Learn It’s More White Than Green—And Has No Golf Courses
“The greatest real estate deal in history—unless someone tells him about Antarctica.”
In what experts are calling “the boldest real estate move since Louisiana Purchase (but with less planning)”, former U.S. President Donald Trump once again floated the idea of buying Greenland, this time after allegedly mistaking it for a golf resort.
Sources inside Trump’s inner circle say the former president became fascinated with Greenland after Googling ‘biggest island’ while bored on his plane. Upon discovering that it belonged to Denmark, Trump reportedly asked, “So what’s the asking price?”
When informed that Greenland was not for sale, Trump scoffed, saying, “Everything’s for sale if you’ve got the right deal. Trust me. I’ve done tremendous deals. The best deals. No one makes deals like me.”
Greenland is NOT Green, Trump Deeply Disappointed
The real estate mogul’s excitement quickly faded when aides showed him satellite images of Greenland’s landscape.
“It’s called Greenland, but it’s totally white. Totally white. Honestly, folks, I think this is false advertising, okay?” Trump reportedly said. “We should be suing somebody. Denmark? NASA? The Vikings?”
Eyewitnesses claim Trump’s mood soured even further when he realized the island has no golf courses.
“What kind of country has no golf courses? Terrible leadership,” Trump allegedly muttered, shaking his head. “If I buy it, first thing we do—boom—Trump International Ice Links, okay? Classy, very classy. Beautiful. A winter wonderland, folks.”
Denmark Politely Declines, Trump Responds With Sanctions
Danish officials were reportedly caught off guard by Trump’s renewed interest in purchasing Greenland, with Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen once again rejecting the offer, calling it “absurd and not up for discussion.”
In response, Trump took to social media, calling Denmark “a very nasty country” and immediately imposed tariffs on Danish butter cookies and LEGO bricks, claiming, “They should be called MAGA Bricks, anyway.”
One Danish official, speaking anonymously, said:
“Honestly, we thought this was a joke the first time. Now we’re just worried.”
Greenland Reacts: “Please Leave Us Alone”
The 57,000 residents of Greenland have mixed feelings about the possibility of becoming part of the United States. While some see potential economic benefits, most fear a complete rebranding of the island.
“We don’t mind visitors,” said Erik Petersen, a fisherman from Nuuk, “but we’d rather not see our icebergs rebranded as ‘Trump Towers North.’”
Greenland’s tourism board also quickly moved to clarify that the island’s natural beauty and untouched Arctic wilderness would not be improved by the presence of golden skyscrapers.
“We appreciate the interest, but we are very happy being part of Denmark,” said a Greenlandic spokesperson. “Also, we do not have space for an 18-hole golf course, nor do we wish to see glaciers renamed after Ivanka Trump.”
Experts Warn Trump Might Just Try to Claim Greenland Anyway
Geopolitical analysts warn that Trump’s real estate instincts could override reality, much like when he attempted to build a casino in the middle of a swamp or claimed wind turbines cause cancer.
“He might just start calling Greenland part of America and wait for people to agree,” said historian Dr. Paul Richards. “If he puts it on a hat, half the country might go along with it.”
Meanwhile, reports suggest Trump has already set his sights on Antarctica, allegedly saying, “Now that’s a deal. Nothing but land. A lot of land. No one owns it. Maybe we take it first, folks?”
As of press time, Greenland remains Danish, Trump remains baffled, and Denmark remains deeply, deeply confused.