A Reflection Upon Your Own Image: President Who Rates Senators’ Bottoms Tells Reporter to Get in Shape, Then Opens a $14.8m Mirror

This article blends satire with commentary on factual events. Verifiable claims are sourced; satirical elements are in the writing style.

WASHINGTON — The leader of the free world has a message for the American press: you look like hell.

Last Thursday, Reuters reporter Jacob Bogage asked the President whether he’d cancelled a Kansas rally because he was tired. Trump called him “sick” and “disgusting”, told him to get in shape, and added: “You look like hell.” He then posted the reporter’s photo on Truth Social, in case anyone had missed it. (PBS, Mediaite)

HuffPost’s headline noted that the President was “sweating profusely” at the time. (HuffPost)

The President says he feels “perfect” and was not tired. He just won’t be going to Kansas.

The Nation’s Leading Bottom Inspector

The fitness review was not a one-off. America’s most powerful man has become its most prolific body critic.

On the campaign trail, he has told crowd after crowd that he “examined” Ohio Senator Jon Husted’s backside and found it “a pile of muscle”. He later suggested the review had helped the senator in the polls. (HuffPost, Irish Times)

He now comments on other people’s looks nearly three times as often as he did in 2016, according to one analysis, and more often about men than women. (Wonderwall) Another count has him on track for his biggest month ever of remarks about other people’s bodies. (Daily Beast) Insiders say he’s thinking of putting in a judging panel at the White House, with scorecards.

The reviews have covered his press secretary’s lips, the Italian Prime Minister (“beautiful”), and a Congolese reporter he called beautiful straight after admitting he’d been told not to. (Daily Beast, Daily Beast, Atlanta Black Star) A New York Times reporter got the other end of the scale: “ugly, both inside and out.” (Latin Times)

Physician, Weigh Thyself

There is, however, one body the President’s review service doesn’t cover.

After his trip to China, he reportedly admitted he looked “fat” standing next to Xi Jinping. When the press were around, he held a placard in front of his waist. (IBTimes) Shortly afterwards, he suggested it was “treasonous” to report that he’s in bad physical shape. (Yahoo)

So the rules are now clear:

• Rating a senator’s bottom at a rally: campaigning.
• Telling a reporter he looks like hell: honesty.
• Asking whether the President is tired: disgusting.
• Reporting on the President’s shape: treason.

Mirror, Mirror, on the Mall

As it happens, there is a mirror big enough. On the eve of the midterms, the President stood before the newly reopened Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool and gave an hour-long speech about its rusty pipes, old joints, rebar and “tremendous algae.” (PBS, ABC7)

In April he promised the job would take two weeks and $1.5 million. It took seven months and at least $14.8 million in contracts. (CNN, PBS) It missed the 4th of July, so crews drained it and started again. (PBS) He had the basin painted what he calls “American flag blue”, which a nonprofit has taken to court for making the place look like a “theme park.” (PBS) He blamed the damage on vandals and a former Olympic canoeist was charged, until the President admitted there was “no video or proof.” (ABC News) He has even joked about naming it after himself. (CNN)

It is 2,000 feet long, the most expensive mirror in America, and built for one purpose: a reflection upon your own image.

He stood beside it for an hour talking about algae and never once looked down.

The President was unavailable for comment. He was examining someone.

Illustration: AI-generated satirical cartoon. Speech and thought bubbles are satire, not quotes.