Agent Orange Reports to Moscow: “Mission Accomplished, Comrade — I Got Them Diesel”

This article blends satire with commentary on factual events. Verifiable claims are sourced; satirical elements are in the writing style.

DUBUQUE, IOWA — The man who says he could have won the Vietnam War in a week told a rally on Sunday exactly how he’d have done it: stop dropping “that red crap” on the forest and go after Ho Chi Minh City instead. (HuffPost)

Historians pointed out that during the war, Ho Chi Minh City was called Saigon. It was the capital of South Vietnam, America’s ally. (Yahoo/NJ.com) Agent Orange wasn’t red either. It took its name from the orange stripe on its barrels.

Asked to comment, the President said it was a very good stripe, maybe the best stripe, and that many people are saying he invented the colour orange.

So that’s the strategy: confuse your ally with your enemy and bomb the wrong capital. Any similarity to current US policy on Ukraine is purely coincidental, according to the White House, which couldn’t immediately say which capital Ukraine’s was.

Codename: Agent Orange

Vladimir Putin spent sixteen years in the KGB (1975–1991) and knows talent when he sees it. Since the war began, Western intelligence has watched with interest as one Washington asset outperformed all others. Kremlin sources we made up describe him as “low maintenance, high output, and comes with his own tan.”

In October, Agent Orange delivered his biggest result yet. He announced that Russia would ship 300,000 tons of diesel “immediately,” plus another 500,000 tons in November, and the US Treasury helpfully issued a licence to let it through. (Axios) Ukraine called it a gift to Putin.

There was one small problem, which nobody at the White House appears to have noticed: Russia has banned itself from exporting diesel. Moscow imposed a full ban on diesel exports from 8 July 2026, and later reports say it runs to 31 January 2027, because Ukrainian drones have hit all eleven of Russia’s largest refineries and the country can barely fuel its own tractors. (gCaptain, Baird Maritime)

So the President of the United States has brokered a historic deal for Russia to sell diesel it isn’t allowed to sell, from refineries that are on fire. Former US officials said they doubted Russia had that much diesel to spare. (Axios) The Kremlin said it would look into it, as soon as it found a working petrol station.

The same week, the President suggested Ukraine should get a new leader. (CNN) Moscow agreed this was a very constructive idea and offered to supply one.

The Negotiating Team: Two Property Developers and a Sense of Opportunity

Peace talks are in the safe hands of Steve Witkoff, a New York real estate developer and the President’s golf partner, now Special Envoy. He has sat down with Putin at least six times, more often than most NATO defence ministers manage in a career. (TASS) Alongside him is Jared Kushner, the President’s son-in-law, who joined Witkoff for a nearly five-hour session in the Kremlin in December. (Foreign Policy) His qualifications in Eastern European security are classified, mainly because nobody has found any.

Together they produced a 28-point peace plan with something for everyone. Russia got the Donbas, a 600,000 cap on Ukraine’s army and a promise that Ukraine would never join NATO. (Irish Times, Moscow Times) The plan was drafted with Putin’s envoy Kirill Dmitriev and without Kyiv. (Ukrainska Pravda / WSJ) Ukraine got a copy.

Then Bloomberg published a transcript of a call in which Witkoff coached Yuri Ushakov, Putin’s foreign policy adviser, on how Putin should pitch Trump: congratulate him on Gaza and call him a peacemaker. (Moscow Times, Meduza) The President defended him. It was “a standard thing,” he said, something “a dealmaker does,” and Witkoff has to “sell Ukraine to Russia.” (Mediaite, Ukrainska Pravda)

On that point, at least, everyone agrees.

Insiders say the team’s real vision is economic. Once the fighting stops, there’s a whole region waiting for development: ports, rare earths, Arctic drilling, and some very reasonably priced beachfront in Crimea with no title deeds to worry about.

Meanwhile, Europe Gets the Bill

Agent Orange has been just as busy in Europe. At his Turnberry golf resort he had the EU sign up to buy $750 billion of American energy, with Ursula von der Leyen promising to “replace Russian gas and oil” with US supplies. (AP via WJLA) Then he licensed Russian diesel back onto world markets anyway.

So Europe pays America for energy so it can stop paying Russia for energy, while America tries to help Russia sell diesel that Russia won’t let itself sell. Economists call it a “circular arrangement.” Europeans call it Tuesday.

“This Time It’ll Be Different”

The President says that once Ukraine hands over the land, Putin will be satisfied and the war will end. His envoys say Putin is a man of his word. On that point we agree. Putin’s word has been very consistent for thirty years:

• Chechnya, 1994 and 1999: two wars, and Grozny flattened. (Wikipedia, WBUR)
• Georgia, 2008: a five-day war. Russian troops still hold about 20% of the country, Abkhazia and South Ossetia. (Wikipedia, US Helsinki Commission)
• Crimea, 2014: annexed after a “referendum” held under Russian troops. (RFE/RL, Kyiv Independent)
• Donbas, 2014: Russian-backed groups seized Donetsk and Luhansk, and Russian troops and tanks quietly followed. (Wikipedia)
• Ukraine, 2022: having been given Crimea and shrugged at over Donbas, Russia came back for the whole country. (Kyiv Post)
• Azerbaijan, December 2024: an Azerbaijan Airlines passenger jet was brought down after being hit over Russian airspace. Putin apologised that the “tragic incident” happened in Russian airspace. He didn’t accept responsibility. (CBC, Fortune)

Every time, the West was told the deal would end it. Every time, it was the down payment.

Still, the man who couldn’t tell Saigon from Hanoi is confident he can tell a peace deal from a pause. He promised to end the war in 24 hours. He has since said that was “a bit sarcastic.” (Yahoo) So far it’s taken longer than Vietnam would have.

Agent Orange was in a meeting. Moscow time.

Illustration: AI-generated satirical cartoon.